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"SANTA,FORGIVE ME I HAVE SINNED!" 2/17/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]Tellapriest, notSANTA!!A friend goes
to church one Sunday and hears a sermon about the Ten- Commandments,
he has a guiltyfeeling , and goes to confession. "Forgive
me, Father for I have sinned, " he began. "Go
ahead, my , "the priest says. "Well I lost
my hat and I came to church to steal one, but I heard your sermon
and I changed my ...
0 Comments,
113 Views,
11 Votes
,2.79 Score
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"SANTA,TELL.ME.SOME.ONE-LINERS,WILLYA,HUH?" 2/15/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]SANTA REMEMBERS: "When i was born,
I was so ugly, the doctor slapped my mother." "When
I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the
dog, so they got rid of me." "Every time I get
in an elevator the operator says the same old thing and sends
me to the Basement." "I never got girls when
I was a . One girl told me, "Come on ...
0 Comments,
104 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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The Priest 2/14/2005
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said,
forgive me for I have sinned."
<br>
The priest asked, "What did you do, my ?"
<br>
"I lusted, " the fellow replied.
<br>
"Tell me about it, " the priest said.
<br>
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a
deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery
in the ...
0 Comments,
234 Views,
16 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Pay Your Bills 2/13/2005
Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts,
but Nick the Dragon Slayer knew the penalty for this desire
would be death should he try and touch them.
<br>
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange
for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy ...
0 Comments,
231 Views,
17 Votes
,5.25 Score
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Top 10 Rejected Valentines Day Cards 2/10/2005
>10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
>But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
<br>
>9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
>Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
<br>
>8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
>In hopes that, later, you'd be my .
<br>
>7. This feels so good, it feels so right ...
3 Comments,
277 Views,
21 Votes
,4.73 Score
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"SANTA.IS.IT.STILL.LEGAL.TO.TELL.JOKES?" 2/9/2005
SANTA[DEADLINE]N.Y.;1ST-AMENDMENT: [LAWYER JOKE CHARGES
DROPPED!] A New York City man was arrested after teling
lawyer jokes at court- use gets last laugh when GrandJury-
dismissed the disorderly charges against him. "It's
still legal to telljokes, even lawyer jokes, about lawyers, "said
70-year old Harvey Kash's lawyer, Ron Kuby, about
decision. ...
0 Comments,
91 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Deck Of Cards 2/8/2005
A woman once said that a man is like
a deck of playing cards..... you need :
<br>
A Heart to love him,
<br>
A Diamond to marry him,
<br>
A Club to smash his fucking head in,
<br>
and
<br>
A Spade to bury the bastard.
0 Comments,
186 Views,
21 Votes
,4.86 Score
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Mr. Goldstein 2/8/2005
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life
in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Stacy, asked if there was anything wrong.
<br>
"Yes, Nurse Stacy, " said Mr. Goldstein, "My
penis died today, and I am very sad."
<br>
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so ...
0 Comments,
192 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score
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25 Signs That You Have Grown Up 2/8/2005
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
<br>
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
<br>
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
<br>
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
<br>
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
<br>
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
...
0 Comments,
207 Views,
20 Votes
,6.70 Score
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Polish Sausage 2/8/2005
A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish
Sausage". The clerk looked at him and asked "Are
you Polish?"
<br>
The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes I am. But
let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage,
would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German
Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher ...
0 Comments,
167 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score
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Tips For Great Cyber Sex 2/8/2005
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please
make sure your spouse, boyfriend, , etc. are out of
the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not
during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present
or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.)
It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing
undressing in front of the computer, drooling out ...
0 Comments,
150 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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Redneck Dungeon 2/8/2005
How To Tell You're In A Redneck Dungeon:
<br>
1. Toys are displayed in wall-mounted gun racks.
<br>
2. The dungeon masters are Bubba and Bobbi Sue.
<br>
3. The hostess has bigger hair than Roseanne's ass.
<br>
4. The suspension rings are hung on the deer's antlers.
<br>
5. The neural wheel is missing a few teeth.
<br>
...
0 Comments,
140 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
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Bit Of A Gamble 2/8/2005
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20, 000 on a single
roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that,
she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
<br>
<br>
As the ...
0 Comments,
104 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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Lipstick 2/8/2005
According to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A
number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick
and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night
the maintenance man would ...
0 Comments,
131 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Please Shut Up 2/8/2005
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
<br>
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
<br>
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
<br>
...
0 Comments,
161 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
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Irishman 2/8/2005
An Irishman staggered home late after another evening
at the pub with
his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking
his wife, he
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the
darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body
swung around and he landed ...
0 Comments,
121 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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10 Bucks 2/8/2005
Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by
a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man
who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took
out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If
I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago, " the homeless
man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of ...
0 Comments,
117 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Lying Bastard 2/8/2005
A police officer pulls a motorist over for speeding. Whilst
he is writing out the ticket he decides to check the car for
roadworthiness.
<br>
The motorist doesn't object to this but as the policeman
walks to the car he says "Hey, officer, I wouldn't
look in the trunk if I were you".
<br>
"Why not", replies the policeman
<br>
"Well" says the motorist, ...
0 Comments,
110 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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The Bus Stop 2/8/2005
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
<br>
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come
up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed
and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip ...
2 Comments,
166 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
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The Ducks 2/8/2005
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel
room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
<br>
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No" Daisy told Donald
that they could not have sex if he didn't have a condom.
<br>
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk, " she
suggested.
<br>
So Donald ...
3 Comments,
144 Views,
13 Votes
,3.98 Score
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drunk's perspective 2/8/2005
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
<br>
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the ...
2 Comments,
109 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Renaming Viagra 2/8/2005
In Pharmacology all drugs have two names, a trade name and
a generic name.
<br>
For example the generic name of Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Aleve is known as Naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil
is ibuprofen.
<br>
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
<br>
After consideration a group of Government experts have
decided on the generic ...
2 Comments,
79 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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Cowgirl 2/8/2005
A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
<br>
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn.
<br>
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
<br>
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You
know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better
if you bought one at a ...
2 Comments,
142 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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Top 10 Reasons Why Medical Professionals ROCK 2/8/2005
10. We see naked people every day and have to pretend we don't
notice that they're naked. And the naked people pretend
they don't care that they're naked, because they
want us to think they're "cool" with nudity.
<br>
9. We've taken courses in anatomy and physiology and
we're not afraid to use them!
<br>
8. We like to wear our sexiest lingerie under our baggy, ...
2 Comments,
144 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
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Bartender Psychology 2/8/2005
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could
nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts.
<br>
The results:
<br>
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a ...
2 Comments,
133 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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5 Levels of a Hangover 2/8/2005
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well. However, you are still parched.
You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason,
you are craving a steak& fries.
<br>
<br>
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look
okay, but you have the mental capacity of a ...
1 Comments,
89 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Things a sub should not say during a scene 2/8/2005
You hit like a girl
<br>
My Last Dom didnt have a problem keeping it up
<br>
UGH STOP give it to me I'll show you how!
<br>
You're doing it wrong!
<br>
Your leather pants will be out of the dryer in 10 minutes
<br>
Yeah ..well..You know...This whole do whatever you say
thing? It's just not working for me.
<br>
What am I your ...
4 Comments,
191 Views,
16 Votes
,5.04 Score
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My Top 10 sub Taglines in IL 2/8/2005
All right folks you ladies didn't make it easy for me
I'll tell you that but heres my top five in IL sub Taglines:
<br>
<br>
10) Are You Dom Right?
(Dom Right I am!!!)
9) Seeker in search of Him who i can serve
(Huked on foniks a must)
 If at first you don't succeed.................
(Kill the witnesses and start over)
7)I love being an exhibitionism
...
2 Comments,
129 Views,
11 Votes
,2.23 Score
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Adam &Eve 2/8/2005
On a beautiful day in the garden Adam and Eve were kicking
back enjoying paradise. When Eve started bleeding, (aunt
flow showed up). Eve takes off in a panic. Adam cries for
the BIG CHEESE, to help. God asks whats wronge. Dammit I
had to put down my beer. Adam tells him the story. God tells
him all is OK, its just something that will happen monthly
for the rest of her days. Oh by the way ...
2 Comments,
122 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES... 2/8/2005
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES...
<br>
<br>
Husband's note on the fridge to his wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer.
2 Comments,
159 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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